if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
