Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
