You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
