You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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