I think scott just propositioned me for sex
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
