did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
