***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
