y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
