Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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