My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
