Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
