fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
