I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
