and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
