My sheets look like a crime scene.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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