just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
