my phone needs a breathalizer
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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