Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
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The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
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Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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