i may or may not be watching the land before time
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
