i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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