I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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