This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
