it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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