I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
