I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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