We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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