College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
