I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
