i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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