Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
