I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
How's work?
Spinning.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
