Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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