I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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