I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
