Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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