i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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