I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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