I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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