I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
