i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize