Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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