C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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