Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
