I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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