Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
