her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
