Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
my god I love twenty year old dicks
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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