if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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