and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
