You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
