I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
