Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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