Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
