Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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