I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
