She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
